I love that someone owns the rights to http://www.dontmakemehurtyou.com/  ¶ 11/29/2001 01:49:00 PM 0 comments links to this post

I wonder if you can speak sign language with an accent. And if so, are some accents sexier than others? Do deaf people aspire to go to school in Paris, just so they can pick up a suave french accent?  ¶ 11/29/2001 03:58:00 AM 0 comments links to this post

San Francisco is truly one of the best eavesdropping cities ever. Invariably the person next to you will be talking about the friend with the sex change, about last night's police raid or about the drugs most appropriate to this or that club. I'm going to start eating out alone just to listen to other people's interesting lives.   ¶ 11/28/2001 02:14:00 PM 0 comments links to this post

Here's something fun: dancingbush   ¶ 11/27/2001 06:37:00 PM 0 comments links to this post

So I was on a plane a few days ago and the tv screens were displaying the typical soothing fare of soft music and nature scenes - trying to stave off travel rage while everyone took a seat. What was interesting about these videos, however, was the sensual portrayal of nature. The cameras were zooming in and out of the flowers, super closeup shots of stamens, pistils and pollen. It was almost like a Georgia O'Keefe painting. Then I realized something: flowers are really just plant genitals. All this cultural obsession with flowers - putting them on wallpaper, sending them on Valentine's day, bringing them to weddings - really it just amounts to vegetable porn. We're running around waving plant sex organs at each other.  ¶ 11/27/2001 01:01:00 PM 0 comments links to this post

At least one day a month, I think it's important to count how many cameras film you in public places. Particular with the advent of the lovely face-scanning software. I go to the ATM, the coffee shop, driving through the toll booths, walking through the airport. Every damn place I turn someone is filming me. Not to mention these new X-cams. I think what I should do is join the screen actors guild. That way, whenever someone puts me on film, I can collect royalties.  ¶ 11/26/2001 02:47:00 AM 0 comments links to this post

And continuing the evolution theme: I wonder if the modern environmental movement is selectively conserving the cute animals. We're always saving the pandas or buying dolphin-free tuna or preserving the lush rainforests. The posters all have pictures of cute white baby seals with big eyes and fluffy furr. No one's raising a fuss about the ugly nature. "Save the tarantulas!" This we never hear.  ¶ 11/23/2001 03:52:00 AM 0 comments links to this post

Sometimes when I'm roadtripping I like to think of myself as Darwin's Scythe mowing through fields of flying insects. I'm not just painting the front of my car with splattered bug guts; I'm breeding a better, smarter race of bugs that will learn to be afraid of highways. Soon flies will look both ways before crossing.  ¶ 11/20/2001 02:01:00 PM 0 comments links to this post

There's a bird begging for food next to my table right now. It's holding its right foot up as though it's injured, even though the foot obviously works fine. I wonder if the animal kingdom is learning how to play off human sympathy. Perhaps we're evolving animal beggars.  ¶ 11/19/2001 09:14:00 PM 0 comments links to this post

I was at an ATM today and the thing was advertising: "Bank of America ATM's: now in color!" Like this is something I've been waiting for.  ¶ 11/19/2001 02:36:00 AM 0 comments links to this post

Answer: My zipper!  ¶ 11/16/2001 07:56:00 PM 0 comments links to this post

A good question: What has 100 teeth and holds back a monster?  ¶ 11/16/2001 07:56:00 PM 0 comments links to this post

What I think a lot of people don't understand about the Israel / Palestine conflict is just how much money's involved. There are literally billions of tourist dollars at stake there. We should stop with the "peace" negotiations and finally move into business negotiations.   ¶ 11/16/2001 12:30:00 PM 0 comments links to this post

Magnet poetry is the closest thing to Orwellian newspeak we'll ever see. I once bought the "naughty" magnet poetry set, and you literally couldn't create a sentence without somehow referring to sex.   ¶ 11/15/2001 12:52:00 PM 0 comments links to this post

hmm. . . I wonder what the death toll in Afghanistan is now. Did we kill enough of them arabs? We should bomb some more just for good measure.  ¶ 11/14/2001 12:33:00 PM 0 comments links to this post

there are no hot stewardesses anymore. I've flown over 100 times in the last couple of years and maybe twice the stewardess has been hot. The whole "sexy flight attendent" myth has simply got to be retired.   ¶ 11/13/2001 01:52:00 PM 0 comments links to this post

San Francisco has a lot of homeless people selling stuff on the street: old shoes, CD's, used eight track players and the like. At first I used to wonder "who is buying this crap?" But I've since realized that the point is not to make money, the point is to show off how much stuff they have. Homeless people don't have a lot, so when they get it, they flaunt it. "Look at all my stuff!" That's basically what's going on.   ¶ 11/12/2001 04:58:00 PM 0 comments links to this post

I don't think 21+ drinking laws have anything to do with limiting underage drinking. What the government is really trying to do is acclimate everyone to the idea of always carrying identification documents with them. How could you forget to leave the house without your driver's license? In America, we always carry our state issued ID's with us. Seems weird not to. These days, the licenses have magnetic strips on the back. Clubs have computerized readers and just swipe your license right through. Then, right there on the screen, up pops your age. And your name. And your address. By the end of the night, the club could easily have a nice database of everyone who visited that night. What great data! Along the same lines, I went to a CVS pharmacy the other day and the clerk asked me for my CVS card. "What does a CVS card get me?" I asked. "Access to all the sales and discounts," the clerk replied. What I think he meant to say was "CVS marks up all the prices, then requires customers to forfeit their privacy for $2.30 in discounts." In the future, my life will be filled with card swiping. I'll have cards for the government, cards for the pharmacy, cards for the coffee shops and if all goes well, cards for the bathroom. Everytime I take a leak, I'll have it recorded in someone's database somewhere. Once we get all these databases linked up to each other, I'll have a searchable index of every action / purchase or movement I've ever made. Big brother will be irrelevant, we'll have Oracle!  ¶ 11/10/2001 10:59:00 PM 0 comments links to this post

I've found my arch-nemesis! I will visit evil upon his feeble head.  ¶ 11/07/2001 02:08:00 AM 0 comments links to this post

Actually, I think everyone's memory is like mine. Like in the movie Memento. That guy had exactly 45 minutes before he forgot everything. So if he didn't get rid of some of his Polaroids and records and such, he could spend his entire life just reading and re-reading his own memory records. So the key is, each time he adds a new memory, he has to get rid of an old one.   ¶ 11/07/2001 12:39:00 AM 0 comments links to this post

i forget things a lot. I think my mind is like one of those coin shelf things at the arcade. the rake arms continually push on a mass of coins. When i put a new thought in, the memory shelf might hold it, or push a whole bunch of thoughts over the edge to make room for it.   ¶ 11/07/2001 12:34:00 AM 0 comments links to this post

There is a point in every meal where each additional bite of food actually makes you less healthy. Imagine sitting at the Home Buffet. In the beginning, eating gives you nourishment and is good for you. Five plates of food later, eating makes you sick and feel fat. In eight plates, you could potentially die. So in-between plate one and plate eight, at some exact point in the meal, you took the optimal bite of food - the bite of food where your food/health derivative equalled zero. That inflection point is what modern dieting should strive to hit. It could be one big math equation.  ¶ 11/01/2001 08:58:00 PM 0 comments links to this post